mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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