I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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