Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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