do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
