Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
