if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
