i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I think my vagina is haunted
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
