Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
