sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
