what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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