Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
