i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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