Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
