last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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