Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
