i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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