why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
