Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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