The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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