John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
