Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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