a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Help me help you realize you are a moron
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