I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
