So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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