i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
