I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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