The maid of honor just puked.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Pants are for mortals
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
