And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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