paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
