i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I will die if light touches me.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Randomize
