I wish I could punch you in the face.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Randomize
