dude i'm inner monologue high
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
