WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
