So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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