God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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