My first STD was from a foam party
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
