I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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