I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
