a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
