So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
