First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
