I want to have your abortion
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
