god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
