the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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