it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
