i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
