In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Randomize
