hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
