I'm gonna have a badass scar
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Randomize
