also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
