i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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